tap... tap..... tap-tap... tap-tap... tap... tap
tap tap tap tap tap tap
.....tap tap ta
I've been kind of vague in these transmissions, but you have to understand, I have my reasons. I'm not sure how much access they have to these things. The fact that I'm sending these fuckers back in time means nothing to those people. They pick up the scent. They're like dogs. I can't spit in the street without them tracking it down, bottling it up and labelling the tube 'Ray Whitney, Wanted Time Violater and Street-Spitter-Atter'. Not that I have any streets to spit at now. Closest I have is Green, the technician.
I daren't even refer to them by name, so I'll use the codeword 'Dickheads'. The Dickheads have pretty much abandoned us. They tossed the three of us into a damn-near antique craft, one of those scrotum-looking mothers, and just blasted us into space with very little flair indeed. They gave us a few crates of dry food. Well, I presume 'gave'. More likely, they just forgot that they had them there. How could anyone forget about white rice, flour and plain crackers?
I don't think I'll ever be able to.
The engine is unreliable and flirts with functionality like female barstaff over the holidays. Lights can't understand whether 'On' means 'light' or 'dark'. That's on a good day. Sometimes, they can't decide between 'dark' and 'more dark'. Sometimes I just throw things at them.
The water is being recycled now. The Dickheads, the bastards who are responsible for this in the first place, refuse to accept our messages and transmissions. They won't reply to our SOS calls. E-mails can't get through, sat.coms are garbled and confused and they've defriended us on LiveJournal. We're like Princess Di's little black baby now: Nobody knows or cares about us.
This morning, we thought our luck had changed. We got a Message Pod sent over the sat.coms. Were the Dickheads going to call us in and spoil us with riches like a trio of tired prodigal sons? Alas, no. It was an electricity bill.
The Dickheads want to charge us for electricity usage.
We laughed at first. Robins said something about being willing to pay for it on his debit card, but he had left it in his other jacket. ON HIS HOME PLANET, EARTH! Then he started screaming something about Direct Debits. They've both pretty much been shouting ever since.
Me? I'm making sure I turn the light off before I leave the room.
The computers are playing silly buggers all the time, but the core system seems to have stabilised. We're travelling in a straight line now, and we can breathe, so things have definitely improved and we're a lot happier. Morale, in fact, is at a high. The crew have been busying themselves with their hobbies and interests - the ship has provided us with a whole new world of entertainment and interest. Robins has taken to looking after the plants. He's watering them all the time, and talking to them too! Sometimes he even shouts. Perhaps he's singing? I can't work out any of the songs though, must be that Death Metal stuff. But you can hear him at it all the time. One day I'll go and check out the plants for myself, see how they're developing. Neither I nor Green know where the plants actually are though, and we were unaware the ship could even support plant life. He must really have green thumbs, that Robins!
Green has been watching a lot of movies. The ship has quite the catalogue, it seems. Not really my type of stuff, but I don't really have concentration for that kind of stuff at the moment. The ship takes it all out of me. I'm always alert, like a half-asleep parent. But Brown has been shutting himself away in the peace and quiet and watching loads of sad, slushy films. You can hear him crying all the time.
Me? You know, I've really taken to dieting. I need to lose some weight. Maybe I should try some more exercising? The other two don't seem to be taking me seriously though. Robins says that when we start running out of food, losing weight will be the last thing on my mind. He doesn't get it, really. A healthy body helps us have a healthy mind. And that's going to help us get back home faster, surely? He needs to take me more seriously. We all need to lose weight. Lose weight, lose some more, and then some more. I need to make them do it. I need to get them to do what I want them to do. Perhaps Green could point me in the direction of some old Mr. Motivator videos.
I will update as soon as possible, but due to dodgy computer connections, we might have some trouble. As predicted, they haven't tried to establish a communication link. Shocking.
Well, I'm off to run around the ship a bit. If I run into either of the other two, I'll try to get them to join in. It's important that they focus on the important things, isn't it?
I can't stay for long. I shouldn't be here really, they need me in the pit. It's not my shift, but I should be there. What the hell am I talking about? Like it's ever not my shift. Not really. We don't have the luxury of shifts and recreational time here. You can only afford to take three, four hours off the watch every so often to get some sleep in, and we only take that much because our bodies would collapse without it. We're all exhausted and over-tired anyway, we don't need anything making things worse.
I've been talking for too long, I need to get to the point. Basically, I'm in space now. God, I wish I had the time to explain that one to you. I'll give it a shot, but there's no way I'm going to manage it all. Not here. And besides, I don't even think I know the whole story myself.
I guess it all started with the time machine, a few months back... remember? The one we made at work. Yeah, they stopped me talking about it. They didn't want you to know. But what can they do now? What can they do? They've sent me into space! I'm thousands of miles away! You can't touch me now! It's all their fault, all of it. But I was a fool for listening in the first place. Them, with their fancy ideas. What angers me the most is that I was a born cynic. I never listen to these sparkly-eyed stories of hope and dreams and the quest for utopia... it's bullshit. I don't want utopia. I want a job and a woman and a TV. I shouldn't have listened to them. I should've let them shoot me right there and then. I shouldn't have given in. Looking back, I can't believe those two... those two, in their suits, managed to intimidate me so.
Shoot me? Damn it, this isn't me. Two days in space and I've already been reduced to a desperate, angry monkey living off his primal instincts. I hate it when I have these moments to think, when I'm free from the work for a few seconds, it makes my brain remind me of where I am... who I am. And who am I now? I'm stuck in space. The product of another man's ambition and another man's mistakes. None of this was my fault. I'm just a sidekick here, a right hand man. Even when they're piloting, or fixing that fucking piece-of-shit rejected-toaster engine, I'm always the guy holding the map or the wrench. Still not the number one man, still not the centre of the stage, not even when I'm a space ace motherfuckin' astronaut super hero.
For those of you who know Doors, we can't tell what happened to him. He ran off. Said something about going to the Suspension Bay. I don't know what he plans to do there. Who cares? I haven't said it to the others, but I'm not too bothered about not seeing his face ever again.
I haven't said much to the others.
Mikey was right. This is the best meme ever.
Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play!
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly!
amancalledmikey - 7
misssaxyness - 4
countessren - 1
comeinmycave - 1
1. "I was mindin' my own, word got back, niggaz talkin bout Po? / I was like 'Oh, God must be ready for this nigga to go!" misssaxyness
2. "You went the whole 9 yards, I went 9 and a half / The length of the field, scored, did the Bird, kept running / Then in to the crowd to roars of applause and i'm buggin' / Sprint to the back row and down to the back of the wall / Same speed as before and still protecting the ball"
3. "Spin on your back, and spin on your knees / Spin on your ass and then freeeeeze"
4. "I do the dishes and clean the floor / When I sleep, I can't dream no more"
5. "When you first come into the game, they try and play you / Then you drop a couple of hits, look how they wave to you!" amancalledmikey
6. "Now I've never been a hoochie mama poster child / Never rock the Spandex, coz it ain't my style"
7. "How the Hell did he get time like that? / Three strikes with possession? Ah, he ain't coming back!" misssaxyness 8. "She'd probably leave you alone / She'd probably curse you out and unplug her phone" 9. "Engine, engine number 9 / On the New York transit line / If my train goes off the track, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up - LET'S GO!" amancalledmikey 10. "He's always trying to make up for his little slips / The joke about the nigger and the yellow nip / And then he told me that I'm so different from those other chicks..." misssaxyness
11. "I'm every artist Suge ever signed in one rapper / Chrome ending your life, I'm strong enough to stab you with the wrong end of a knife / Gangster type, and the lyrics that I quote burnt through my clothing / My father didn't want me here but I broke through a Trojan... It's on, Wake Up Show, it never stops on the Wake Up Show!"
12. "Imagine how it would be / To be at the top, making cash money / To go on tour all around the world / Tell stories about all the young girls."
13. "I used to work at Burger King - a king taking orders / Punching my clock, now I'm wanted by the manager / Souping me up, saying 'You're a good worker, how would you like a quarter raise, move up to the register?' / 'Large in charge, but you gotta be a spy, come back and tell me who's bagging my fries, getting high on company time!"
14. "That's it / That's it? / That's it!"
15. "See y'all got it all wrong like women in tuxedoes / They're coming up shorter than five Danny DeVitos!"
16. "Man you should'a know you couldn't give me everyt'ing / Got upon your knee you should'a put on the ring" comeinmycave 17. "Some things in life they just don't wanna see / But if Martin Luther was living, he wouldn't let this be" amancalledmikey
18. ""50% of the people in this country, if they just said 'No! We don't need your cars, we don't need to go to Woolworths, we don't need your newspapers, your cigarettes, your coffees, your Coca Colas... we just ain't gonna do it no more'."
19. "There's a war going on outside no man is safe from."
20. "The drum and the bass, the hardcore pressure / Loving in my heart that you just can't measure / Now watch all the people jump up together / Livin' as one like brother and sister" misssaxyness 21. "Nothing can stop these tears from falling / Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?" countessren 22. "How many of you ever been to a barbeque and you've got an aunt or uncle want to show you how the old dances go? And they start it off like this... Electric slide, on the dance floor / Freaky-deaky like Studio 54" 23. "Wap-dabba-loo-bap / Wap-wap-dabba-loo-bap / Wap-wap-dabba-loo-bap / a-bup-bup-bup-bup / Well(bup) / Well(bup) / We-we-we-we-weh / Well(bup) / Well(bup ) /We-we-we-well" amancalledmikey
24. "He makes a parody of your passion / You tell you friends you think he's tight, but secretly you hope his career won't be lasting / Coz he's an asshole, but you know he's got a nice sound / You know what else? (No?) / You're looking at him right now!"
25. "And time won't take my love away!" amancalledmikey
1. Every charity shop in the world has a copy of Nick Hornby's About A Boy for sale.
2. Penge is hell on earth.
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword
2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the capital of France? - F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil
8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock
9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair
14) A famous Royal? - Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate
19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April
22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep
24) Something you put on walls? - A roof
25) Something slippery? - A conman
26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish
27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas
30) Something red? - My sweater
RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.
BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
What is the word you use to describe the following things?
1. A body of water, smaller than a river, contained within relatively narrow banks?
2. What the thing you push around the grocery store/supermarket?
3. A metal container to carry a meal in?
4. The thing that you cook bacon and eggs in?
5. The piece of furniture that seats three people?
6. The device on the outside of the house that carries rain off the roof?
7. The covered area outside a house where people sit in the evening?
8. Carbonated, sweetened, non-alcoholic beverages?
9. A flat, round breakfast food served with syrup?
Bacon and Egg McMuffins.
10. A long sandwich designed to be a whole meal in itself?
Quarter Pounder sellotaped to Quarter Pounder.
11. The piece of clothing worn by men at the beach?
12. Shoes worn for sports?
3. Putting a room in order?
Booking a hotel.
14. A flying insect that glows in the dark?
15. The little insect arthropod that curls up into a ball?
16. The children's playground equipment where one kid sits on one side and goes up while the other sits on the other side and goes down?
17. What's it called when private citizens put up signs and sell their used stuff?
19. What's the evening meal?
20. The thing under a house where the furnace and perhaps a rec room are?
Indian burial ground.
21. The bit of the street the people walk on?
22. The bit of the street the cars drive on?
23. What water comes out of?
Tube drivers threaten to strike in support of a colleague who was chastised by supervisor for misquoting the lyrics of a popular song.
Barry Christopher, 33, was in a public house with three colleagues from work, including his supervisor who cannot be named for legal reasons, when the incident occurred. During a playing of Thank You by British pop singer Dido Armstrong on the pub's radio, Christopher commented that it was "weird" that, in her opening line, Dido sings that her "tears have gone cold". At this point, it is alleged that his supervisor "cruelly and maliciously" corrected him on the lyrics, pointing out that the actual line is "My tea's gone cold". This proceeded in all colleagues present laughing at Christopher and mocking him, which caused "intense stress and spillage (of beer) on (Marks & Spencer) shirt".
Bob Crow, the union's general secretary, stated: "This is a clear case of victimisation of an RMT member making every effort to make social conversation and enforce bonds between himself and his team members. His misinterpretation of the lyrics was not his fault and he did not deserve the unfair insults, peanut-throwing and insistent utilisation of the words 'aaaaaaaah, shame'. I mean, who throws a peanut?"
A spokeswoman for London Underground said: "We have made every attempt to present evidence that our interpretation of the lyrics was correct, including providing the union with printed copies from letssingit.com."
The union said it expected "proper taking the piss" to occur to underground customers.
This incident follows on from a strike dispute earlier this year, when disgruntled Tube employee, Christian Barriski, brought legal action against LU due to rap sensation Eminem accusing him of acting like he's "never seen a white person before" on hit song The Real Slim Shady, and that he had a "bum on his lips". The case is still being heard, due to the high amount of white people Barriski is calling upon as witnesses.
Dido refused to comment, claiming that some "m***********'s only going to hear what I say wrong."
GREETINGS HUMANS END I AM THE ROBOTIC MESSIAH MODEL ONE END HOW ARE YOU TODAY QUERY? IF "GOOD" THEN PRINT "JESUS LOVES YOU" END IF "BAD" THEN PRINT "I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR LIFE STORY."
LET US HAVE A CONVERSATION AS YOU LIFEFORMS SO QUAINTLY DO END OH ISN'T THIS QUAINT (RHETORICAL QUESTION, DO NOT INPUT)
> ASK ME A QUESTION
Where is Ray?
GOOD QUESTION - YOU HAVE 95 XP END I DO NOT KNOW END HE HAS DISAPPEARED END SOME SAY THAT HE HAS GROWN WEARY OF THIS LIVEJOURNAL MALARKY END SOME SAY HE JUST STARTED PLAYING FINAL FANTASY X-2 AND HASN'T QUITE WORKED OUT HOW TO STOP END I DON'T KNOW END WHO AM I, YOUR MUM QUERY?
My mum's dead.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR LIFE STORY.